I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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