I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
