literally had 100 drinks last night.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
