Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
