thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
