hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
