Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
