That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
