i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
