You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
