My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
