i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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