if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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