Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
