and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Randomize
