someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
