dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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