This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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