Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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