So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
