I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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