The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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