so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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