Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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