she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
