Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The best revenge is premature balding
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The air taste purple.
Randomize
