I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
