I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
