So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
