If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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