Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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