I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
