we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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