I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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