Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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