there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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