i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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