After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
