im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
