she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
