one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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