I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
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Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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