The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
