On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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