Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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