If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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