sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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