I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
