i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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