Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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