New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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