really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
