"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
