she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
