We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
