Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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