I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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