I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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