Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
