Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
